Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
