Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Randomize
