I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
