I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
