im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
