do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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