haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
