I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
