I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize