I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
