I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
