ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
