Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Best friends brother. Beat that.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
