I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
