booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
where am i from again
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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