Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I need to sanitize my soul.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
