what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
