i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
