stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
