My hair reeks of homosexuality.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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