I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
