Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
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how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
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Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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