3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
