I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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