rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
