Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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