my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
