I heard we made out
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
