i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
