there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Enjoy the penises
Randomize
