Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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