My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
