i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
