apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
