I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
