rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
