Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
