Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
