I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Randomize
