The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
