you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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