I am puke
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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