my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
My ATM looks so different sober.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
