Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I feel like abortions should bother me more
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
