dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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