So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
