considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
