Need sex. Gaining weight.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
