someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
