I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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