Its about making memories worth repressing
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
