Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I am midnight drunk by noon
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
