Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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