I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
