I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
