she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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