I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
