my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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