if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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