I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
