So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
