i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
